I have been a film buff for years now. I’ve seen many movies, both bad and good. No other movie has come close to the one that I hold close to my heart. The characters are well written, the direction is fantastic, the editing is flawless, the dialogue is shakespearean, the acting is Oscar-worthy, everything about the movie is amazing. My followers, the film that has earned my respect and has no problems whatsoever, is none other than the masterpiece simply known as, Bio-Dome!

Ever since this film came out, critics and audiences alike have called it a terrible, horrible dumpster fire of a movie. What do I have to say to that? They’re all full of donkey droppings, because this film is a milestone! This plot is about two rad dudes named Bud (played by the messiah himself, Pauly Shore) and Doyle (played by Stephen Baldwin) get tricked by their super hot girlfriends into going in to a science experiment. That experiment involves a handful of nerdy, buzzkill scientists putting themselves in an ecological environment for a period of time. But the cool duo accidentally confuse the place for a mall, so they go to the bathroom in there. Then, uh oh, they get stuck in there with the scientists and have to stay with them. This results in some wacky hijinks with our lovable, and not the least bit annoying, leads. GNARLY!!! If you don’t know who Pauly Shore is, than you should crucify yourself immediately! For he is probably, that doesn’t work, most likely, that doesn’t work either, without a doubt, the best comedian of all time! Many people say that comedians like Rodney Dangerfield, Richard Pryor, Johnny Carson, Andy Kauffman, Carol Burnett, Abbott and Costello, or the Marx Brothers are some of the best.  But screw them, cause Shore can kick all their asses any day. Who needs to tell humor with wit when you can just shout like a mentally ill peacock over, and over, and over, and over, and over a million times more. Don’t even give the audiences time to breathe, just keep making loud noises and hilarity will ensue. Also make jokes about balls. If you have to go, then go all the way to the bottom of the barrel. Don’t forget doing things that even Jackass would call too stupid to do. Like damaging property and annoying other people who are trying to do research. Now that’s comedy! Along with the Holy Spirit of Encino Man is Stephen Baldwin. Who you might know from the critically acclaimed film that everyone remembers, God’s Club. You know, that Christian propaganda movie that says “Forget your meds and get with the faith!”. So poetic! Oh, and I guess he was in another film called The Usual Suspects, but who cares about that? He makes a perfect comedy duo with Shore as they spend the whole movie making noises, breaking things, making noises, breaking things, making noises, breaking things, you get the idea. It is like hearing Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony live whenever they open their mouths. The soundtrack is pretty cool too. The songs aren’t just dated, 90’s renditions of the Spider-Man theme. Of course we have to have a villain, because being unconventional is just ridiculous. He is the head of the nerdy scientists that’s played by the same guy who played Walter Peck in Ghostbusters. Except he’s way funnier here, because when you have Pauly Shore in your movie, even the writings of those such as Harold Ramis can’t stand a chance against him. There’s not much else to say about this movie. Probably because Pauly Shore is just so amazing that he almost hypnotizes you with every action he makes. Everyone else just seems to become invisible whenever Shore is on screen. Maybe due to the fact that nothing is that memorable or unique as Shore and Baldwin. I might usually say that this film has no substance and nothing going for it, but like I said, Pauly Shore is in it. Need I say more? He’s so terrific that I want to be the one to hand him the Oscar for Best Actor when Bio-Dome 2 gets nominated. Don’t know why they haven’t gotten around to that yet. Stephen Baldwin has stated before that he’s thinking of doing a sequel with Shore again. Even though the last time he sequel-bated it was back in 2007. But there’s always hope! Maybe one day, there will be an official sequel. Then that sequel will get a sequel, then that will, then that will, then it will become the Bio-Dome franchise. Then it will go so far that there will be cinematic universe where it will crossover with other Pauly Shore movies like Son in Law, Jury Duty, and the other timeless classic, In the Army Now. This will result in the Pauly Shore Cinematic Universe, or the PSCU as I like to call it. I can’t wait because it will be glorious. Not only will all the movies be nominated for Best Actor, but for every other award, even the ones for foreign films. Why should they even give other movies nominations? They should just give all the Oscars to it every year. Why isn’t anyone casting Pauly Shore anymore, he’s comedy gold! Not casting Pauly Shore is sin!  Is it Passover Week? And wasn’t one of God’s Ten Commandments “Thou shall always cast Pauly Shore in their movie”? Such a blasphemous world we live in today. We will never get another film like Bio-Dome, it’s just too good. Why should other people even try to make movies when they’ll never match up to the genius that is Bio-Dome? Hollywood should just stop making movies altogether! You know what, what’s even the point of reviewing other movies anyway? I should just pull the plug to this blog! This is my last post everyone, I haven’t been doing this for year now and already I’m calling it quits. All of you other critics out there should just quit too. What’s the point of continuing after seeing this movie? This is not only my favorite movie, but the best film of all time! Sure you have made Citizen Kane, Orson Welles. You have made Goodfellas, Martin Scorsese. And you may have made Seven Samurai, Akira Kurosawa. But none of you have made something as iconic, astonishing, or mind-blowing Bio-Dome. BIO-DOME IS THE BEST MOVIE EVER, AND DON’T YOU FORGET IT!!! DO YOU HEAR ME, THE BEST!!! NOTHING IS COMPARABLE, BIO-DOME IS ALPHA!!! IF YOU SAY OTHERWISE, I WILL DESTROY YOU!!!!!!!

April Fools! Come on, you knew this was all a joke from when you saw the date this was released. Sorry if it was too obvious. This is actually one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen. Worse than Woody Woodpecker. So that was my April Fools Day joke! I’ve been planning this one for a long time. Hope you enjoyed it and follow me on my brand new Twitter account! That’s right, I finally did it. Just follow me @Ben Suey. Now if you excuse me, I’m going to spend my Easter wisely by watching Cecil B. DeMille’s The Ten Commandments and search for plastic eggs with candy in them that an anthropomorphic rabbit put around my house. That sentence just rolls off your tongue. This is the Adolescent Critic signing out.

Happy Valentines Day! Time to celebrate a holiday that mostly exists so that corporations to squeeze money out of gullible women, and nothing to do with the horrible execution of a saint named Valentine. YOU’RE ALL SICK!!! This holiday is mostly associated with romance. Which is my most least favorite genre. Before you go “Oh, your just a boy. Romantic movies are meant for girls.”. Yeah, is if I don’t get it by now. Also, boys can enjoy romance too, you sexist hypocrites! My reasons for hating romance movies are not because of my gender, but because it’s the most cynical, pandering genre known to man. Every year, there has to be a million romance movies released. Each one of them as bad the next. Distributors like Hallmark and Lifetime own a monopoly on these films. It’s the same plot, same characters, and no originality. In my Review of Romance Comics (And Why do They Exist?) post, I broke down the repeated storyline with romance stories. It’s widely known as the Romeo and Juliet story. Two lovers overcoming class just to be together, but ends up going wrong in the end. The famous, Shakespeare tale is often considered the greatest love story ever told, so it’s no surprise many studios try to emulate the same formula. Though it’s probably one of the worst love stories ever told. Juliet wants to forever be with Romeo, so why does she take the advice of a crazy woman telling her to fake her death? Oh yeah, nothing will go wrong by doing that. Oops, I guess Romeo thought I was really dead and killed himself over grief. Guess it’s time to kill myself for real now. This is widely considered the greatest love story ever told? I’ve seen better love stories on DeviantART. Many of these romance movies repeat this story and are made cheap, fast, and with little effort. On every Valentines Day, a lot of women drag their men to see these terrible, terrible movies. You should be like me, never give in to corporate greed. Anyway, I’ve never seen a romance movie as something other than a cash grab. Don’t be one of the those assholes that says “Every movie is a cash grab”. Oh, I didn’t films are only distributed to make money. There’s a difference between a film that’s made with effort, and a film that’s made only for money. Most of these romance movies are are effortless, cash grabs. Once in a while you’ll get one that actually has passion in it. Classics like Gone with the Wind and Casablanca are great movies that are categorized as a romance. But even some of the most popular ones have major issues with them. Breakfast at Tiffany’s was considered a classic for years. Nowadays, it’s seem to have lost that reputation. Do you want to know why? Because of the racist character played by Mickey Rooney. Every time he appears on screen, it slaps the faces of many cultures. No surprise that now in the SJW age, that performance has gotten panned. Now the film is no longer considered a classic because of that one racist performance. That’s another trend in these bad romance movies. Usually our bland, main female character has a friend that’s only there for comic relief. For some reason, the character can’t be anything but an offensive stereotype. It has to be either a sassy, black woman or a feminine, gay guy. They shout catchphrases and tell obnoxious humor. Even in modern romance movies, they still have the stereotypical friend. Why is it so important to have a character that will make people angry than laugh? Another example would be James Cameron’s Titanic. When this film came out, everyone went nuts. It won oscars, made a star out of Leonardo DiCaprio, and became one of the highest grossing movies of all time. But I don’t think it should have deserved that much. I’m fond of the technical aspects of the film. The scene where the Titanic crashes into the iceberg and starts to sink is very well done. Halls are flooded, everyone is going berserk, the ship splits in half, people are killing each other to get on the lifeboats, all while our main couple is thrown into the mix. Cameron and his crew worked hard to make it all work, and it does pay off for an intense, edge-of-your-seat climax. Can’t say anything positive for the rest of the film. It’s the same Romeo and Juliet formula with a mustache-twirling villain, on-the-nose commentary, clunky dialogue, and an obnoxious song by Celine Dion. For those who weren’t born yet when this song came out like me, it was the equivalent to the song Let It Go from Frozen. Yeah, that’s how annoyingly popular it got. So the the Romeo and Juliet formula has been done til death, are there any modern romance movies with another type of plot? Yes, but it usually ends up being even worse. Now, we are entering the pretentious realm. The two films that I really don’t want to talk about, but I have to. First is, sigh, the Twilight saga.

Originally a series of horrible teen novels written by possibly the greatest hack writer of all time, Stephenie Meyer, was turned into a series of even worse films. The characters are emotionless, uninteresting, blank slates; the story is god awful, the effects make fan videos on Youtube look amazing, and it’s one of the most cynical movie series’ I’ve ever seen. I hate every second of every film. What else can I say about this that everyone who’s not a dumb teenage girl or a lonely mother has said about it. Enough said. But what happens when crapy romance novels written by a hack gets fan fic by a overly obsessive woman? You get the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy. Yeah, for those who don’t know, these crap romance novels are based off of crap romance novels. Who would have thunk it? But then what happens when what some people consider the most sexiest books ever get adapted into what most people the least sexiest movies ever made? You get the film adaptations of the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy.

I know I’m not the first person to say that, but oh god is it ever so true. I recently read the text from the novels, and I can see why it’s popular. Just judging from these films with no prior knowledge of the books, you would be pondering the whole time about why people find the books hot. We focus on boring things throughout the film, then when there’s a sex scene it cuts away. With the recent installment in theaters recently, and judging from the abysmal reviews, there seems to be no improvement. Wow, I guess I’m basically done.

So that’s why I hate romance movies. Have any hate comments for me? Leave it in the comments below. Hope you enjoyed it and have a happy Spend Money Day, I mean Valentines Day. This is the Adolescent Critic signing out.

Last night in Toronto, Canada on July 16, 2017, we lost a talented director named George Andrew Romero at the age of 77. He died in his sleep after an aggressive battle with lung cancer. For those who are unaware Romero was a director who is most famous for making the Living Dead Series. Have you ever wondered why zombies have become so mainstream this past decade? All because of him and his films. It all began with 1968’s Night of the Living Dead which was revolutionary in thriller genre. It was also different from other films at the time. It had gore and was one of the first films to ever have a black lead. It is considered a masterpiece among critics and horror fans alike. Cut ten years later to 1978 and Dawn of the Dead comes out and is another masterpiece. This series would continue until 2009’s Survival of the Dead. Films like 28 Days Later, Shaun of the Dead, Zombieland, Planet Terror, and Return of the Living Dead all owe their existence to Romero. Besides the Living Dead Series Romero also made other films like Stephen King’s Creepshow. So as you can tell I am a big fan of his work and am sad of his recent death. In memory of him I’ll be reviewing the first three Living Dead movies Night of the Living Dead, Dawn of the Dead, and Day of the Dead on Retro Reviews this week. Nothing else left to say but farewell, George A Romero.

RIP George A Romero

1940-2017

Alright, here we go. The stuff that gave me nightmares as a child. I took my time to re-watch these movies to make sure there was nothing I missed. I will rush these because there is so much to talk about. So here it is.

1. The Indiana Jones Series: Before you go crazy I love Indiana Jones. It’s one of the most amazing and fun movies of all time. However looking back I remember being scared of some moments in all four films. And since a fifth film has been announced by Steven Spielberg, I think it’s appropriate to talk about them. First up is Raiders of the Lost Ark. The part that scared me was the climax when The Nazis were preparing to open up the Ark. Indy tells Marian [the love interest] to keep her eyes shut, then the Nazis open up the Ark and then spirits are flying around and start making scary face. Then a beam of light appears and kills all the Nazis and faces are melting and the main villain’s head explodes. Now that scared me enough but that’s only the 1st one. Next up is Temple of Doom. The scene where Indy and the gang discover the hidden mine in the palace. Indy and Short Round get stuck in a trap and Willy [love interest number 2] has to save them. But before she can get to that she has to go through a swarm of these huge, gross bugs. Just her screams and how creepy those insects looked freaked me out. But then again that’s the least one scary to me. Now we have The Last Crusade. This is my personal favorite of the series and it scared me too. Once again the scene takes place in the climax where Indy has to find the Holy Grail in order to save his father. Elsa [love interest number 3] and the main villain follow him. They come across the old knight and they mountain of golden grails. Though the Holy Grail is easy to point out, the villain instead drinks the wrong one and ages fast and his whole body decays. Now that scared me but now I realize that his decaying face looks like the Crypt Keeper from Tales from the Crypt. Finally we have Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. This film is clearly not as good as I remember it but still scared me. Again in the climax is the part that terrified me. Everyone meets up in the UFO and resurrect the alien and that alien disturbed me. Its movements and the fact that it completely disintegrated that woman horrified me. But now it looks ridiculous as all hell and yeah that’s about it. Did these films scare me, yes, do I still enjoy most of them, hell yeah. And I’ll still watch them today. By the way Kingdom of the Crystal Skull sucks.

Wow that was a lot to go through. Sorry for my hiatus it’s Fourth of July Weekend and lots of stuff is going on. But I’ll still try to review some movies coming out this weekend. Happy Fourth of July!!!

Sorry for my little hiatus, I’ve been on vacation. So I’m back and ready to finish my childhood trauma list with you. And if your wondering if I’m going to do a review of Transformers: the Last Knight, sorry.

3. The Dark Crystal: The 80s, a time of synthesizers, leg-warmers, big hair, and when children’s media was more focused on scaring kids rather than, well, being all lovey dovey. And Jim Henson’s Dark Crystal is part of that. Unlike Labyrinth this film did well at the box office. The effects, visuals, set design, and puppeteer work are all great but all of those are what make this film terrifying for little kids. the villains, who are like these scaley, bird-like creatures called Skeksis, really looked scary and the voice work for them really adds on to that. Even the heroes have an element of creepiness to them. Just recently I’ve heard that there was even more scary material that had to be cut out of the film. Plus Netflix is going to reboot it. Great!

2. Alien: Now I know what your all thinking, “Why would you watch this as a child?”, well I was really into horror. I watched the classics like Halloween, Friday the 13th, Nightmare on Elm Street, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Dawn of the Dead, and even The Exorcist and barely got scared. So I thought Ridley Scott’s Alien would be another walk in the park but that wasn’t the case. That one scene where the xenomorph pops out the John Hurt’s stomach was scary but that’s not the worst. Those face-huggers would jump on your face and stuff an egg down your throught are creepy but that’s still not the worst. The fact that you are trapped in space with a seemingly invincible creature that‘s blood-hungry is terrifying. Sure H R Giger’s design has been beaten into the ground so much that it’s not that scary anymore but it scared me as a child so there’s that for ya.

It turns out that I had a lot to say about my number 1 spot so tune in for part 3 tomorrow!

A trend that I’ve seen critics doing recently is childhood trauma videos. For those who don’t know the videos include critics reviewing certain media that scared them as a kid. And now that I have a blog I’ve decided to share my inner childhood demons with all of you. And for those of you thinking that I’m not old enough well I don’t care I’m doing it anyway. So here’s a top 5 list of movies and TV shows that traumatized me as a child.

5. Labyrinth: I loved to watch darker toned stuff when I was little boy. And Jim Henson’s Labyrinth fueled that. While I was taking an art class my teachers put on this movie for us to see. I overall enjoyed it but there was one scene that got to me. It was the scene where goblins went to go kidnap Jennifer Connely’s baby brother, Toby. The way the goblins were designed and the way the scene was shot made it look creepy and nerve-racking. But the rest of the film I thought was okay and I still like watching it today.

4. Courage the Cowardly Dog: When I was much younger my brother and I would always watch shows of Cartoon Network. A lot of these shows I have fond memories of like Dexter’s Lab, Teen Titans, and Adventure Time. However there was one show that scared me and other kids called Courage the Cowardly Dog. There were several things in this show that scared me however one thing stuck with me all my life. In one episode called Remembrance of Courage Past there was a random dream sequence where a deformed, CG, blue monster pops up and says in a creepy voice “You’re not perfect”. That disturbing image instantly gave me nightmares after viewing as well as other tuned in kids around the nation. It also doesn’t help that its scene was pointless and just for shock value [in an animated kids show I might add]. I was never a big fan of the show but I am aware of its fanbase on the internet.

Tune in tomorrow for part 2!!!