If you were to ask a Hollywood executive how 2017 was, his/her response would probably be “Oh God, it was terrible for me!”. 2017 has been a pretty bad year for Hollywood. Many films have bombed, opening weekends were underwhelming, and many cinemas haven’t a whole lot of profits. Today, we’re gonna shame for the pieces of crap they put out this year. I’ll be listing movies that I’ve already reviewed, and some stuff I never got to. Here we go!
5) The Florida Project
Every year there’s that one film that everyone loves but I find terrible. This year’s equivalent would be this garbage. Everyone has been praising this movie as genius and groundbreaking, while I think it’s pretentious, annoying, and so long. A lot of people love it because of it’s realism, okay, but you still have to have characters and some sort of a plot to go with it. I don’t care about these characters and I don’t care what happens to them. Since it has no plot, it just stretches itself so long. It drags on so much that when I saw it, I think I went to the restroom twice. That’s how long it is. If you’re going to be that long, you better have something interesting happening. Barely anything happens, but it just keeps going. There’s no goal or anything, just keeps pushing forward. At least we got a good performance from Willem Dafoe, who is kind of likable. I did a whole review on this movie and you can check it out here: The Florida Project (2017) Review. But I’ll take pretentious garbage over our next entries.
4) Beauty and the Beast (the remake)
I have never seen a film so manipulative, so corporate, and so desperate to be a hit as Disney’s blatant rehash of Beauty and the Beast. This is in a line of recent live action remakes of animated Disney classics. It first it seemed they’re doing these to update them for modern times. Though films like Cinderella and The Jungle Book are considered classics, they are a bit dated. But the original 1991 Beauty and the Beast is fine as it is, why remake it? Because money, that’s why! So get some big celebrities, obvious CG, and less effort. The actors they chose pale in comparison to the original. Paige O’Hara’s Belle sounded a lot more angelic when she sang with the bright visuals, Emma Watson’s Belle sounds like a robot with dull visuals. The Beast looks like CG vomit, Luke Evans’s Gaston is forgettable, and they casted Josh Gad as LeFou because he played Olaf from Frozen and remember Frozen kids, buy our products! The side characters like Lumiere and Cogsworth are also forgettable and the voices of the celebrities coming out of them are so distracting. There’s autotune and some of the most manipulative tactics ever shown on film. In order to trick the audiences that it’s something than a fantasy flick, it shows stuff like diversity (that is so unfitting with the 19th century France setting) and LeFou being gay. The audience I was with applauded the scene when it’s revealed LeFou is gay because it’s new and supports LGBT rights! When in reality it’s simple tactic to manipulate gullible, modern audiences. Plus, I like it how the film builds Belle as a strong, female character, but they show a scene of her using an invention of hers which is, are you ready for this, a washing machine. Way to play to the Feminist crowd, Disney! I can go on, but I have to move on. Instead of watching this, I’ll just dig up my old VHS of 1991 animated version and watch that instead.
3) Alien: Covenant
After the disaster that was Alien 3, 20th Century Fox has kept trying and failing to bring a new light to the Alien franchise. So why are they still making these movies. Our latest entry to the long line of Alien failures is Alien: Covenant. As you know, I love the first two Alien movies. They’re very well done and are classic sci fi flicks. This film tried so hard to please audiences after Prometheus, that it failed so hard and fell flat on its face. At least Prometheus had some interesting ideas and great cinematography, this film barely has anything. The visual effects are lack luster, many characters are just here to die, the story can become very predictable, and it creates so many holes in the franchise. Michael Fassbender is okay, his performance isn’t as good and memorable as other performances he has done. Katherine Waterston and Danny McBride are good as their roles, but are still pretty forgettable. Then you get stereotypes like the cranky, uptight leader that has no point in being like that. The most pointless character out of all of them is James Franco’s character, who literally dies at the beginning of the movie. Why is he here, what’s the point of getting Franco to play this pointless character? Usually I’d be happy when the Xenomorphs show up, but they feel so tact on. That’s bad when the star of your franchise is tact on. When it feels like the film should end, there’s another climax with a Xenomorph killing crew members on the ship. Really, this again? This completely gets in the way of another plot point with the Fassbender clone dilemma. Fassbender plays two androids named Walter (the good one) and David (the bad one). They get into which you don’t see the ending and just see one come out alive. The film wants us to believe it’s Walter to surprise the audience when it’s revealed that it’s really David. But this is cliche that’s so overused that it wasn’t surprising when it happened. Then there’s whole David inventing Xenomorphs thing that creates so many holes in the franchise. Director Ridley Scott is clearly too hold to be handling this stuff. Sure he invented the franchise, but he clearly doesn’t know how to handle it nowadays. Please Fox, stop making these movies!
2) Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales
The fifth and hopefully last entry in the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise is the worst one of these terrible sequels. The first Pirates of the Caribbean movie is stupid, yet very fun. The sequels on the other hand are stupid, and very dreadful to sit through. Oh boy is this one bad. At this point in the series, who cares? This film brings nothing new to the table, so why should we care if we know what’s going to happen? There’s another supernatural bad guy who wants to rule the seas, Johnny Depp acts goofy as Jack Sparrow, there’s a bland couple, Geoffrey Rush , yada yada yada. Depp is still the same, goofy Jack Sparrow, Rush is still there for a paycheck, the new couple is as interesting as dishrags, and even Javier Bardem isn’t a good villain. Plus there’s a bunch of forced in cameos from old cast members and even the famous Beatle, Paul McCartney. WHY PAUL!!! I also did a whole review on this one which you can check out here: Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales (2017) Review. I really don’t care, neither do the filmmakers so let’s just move on.
1) Tom Cruise’s The Mummy
I am big fan of the original 1932 The Mummy with Boris Karloff. I also like the 1959 Hammer remake with Christopher Lee and Peter Cushing. Hell, I can even see why many people enjoy the 1999 remake with Brendan Fraser. But I honestly can’t see anyone enjoying this rotting piece of crap at all. It’s so bad, so desperate, and so insulting to fans like me who want to see the classic Universal Monsters updated for modern times. Did anyone care about this movie, was anyone really anticipating this movie from the very start? The reason why I call it Tom Cruise’s The Mummy instead of The Mummy (2017) is because Universal completely left the film in the hands of Tom Cruise. Not only was he the main star and got the top building, but he also made changes to the script and heavily edited the final project. I don’t hate Cruise, I mean I liked him in other movies, but he’s unbearable in this. At some points in the movie, it feels just like he’s phoning it in. Then you get Russel Crowe as Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, who serves as the Nick Fury of this Dark Universe. Mr. Hyde looks lame, I want him to look grotesque or something, but this one just as yellow eyes and is more veiny. Then there’s a blonde lady who’s just there for scale. I’m opened to the idea of a Female Mummy, but Sofia Boutella’s performance is so bland and forgettable that it doesn’t compare to the original rose gallery of Universal Monsters. I kinda root for her, not because I like her character the most, but because I don’t care about the main characters and want to see her kill them to get the film over with. This film tries so desperately to be like the Marvel movies, that it completely fails at story or likable characters. Because the film has nothing going for it, it heavily rips off better horror films like An American Werewolf in London and Lifeforce. Even the video game is just a ripoff of Metroid. I did another whole review on this one which you can check out here: The Mummy (2017) Review, as well as my opinions on the classic Universal Monsters which you can check out here: Opinions on Classic Universal Horror. I can safely say that this is a tomb that you shouldn’t grave rob.
So thats the top 5 worst films I’ve seen in 2017. I know there’s a lot of bad movies I had the pleasure of not seeing this year, but I know there’s more to come in 2018. I want you to tell me some of the worst films you’ve seen this year in the comments below. If you want to know the best films I’ve seen this year, tune in later today for that list. For now, this is the Adolescent Critic signing out.